it all comes down to..

im not the type of writer who puts everything in chronological order.
or who tells a magnificant story out of details and words.

i just write.
and thats okay. i think.
if it makes sense to me, im fine with it.


so why do they teach us in school to write a certain way.
because my way is wrong?
why can't we just throw our thoughts out on the table for everyone..they can make of it was they want.
afterall
we are free.

squeeze it and never let go

things come and go.
then they come back and go again.
will it always be that way?
or will it finally just settle and become boring.
we forget change brings us to life.
if we didn't have it. if everything stayed that way forever.
well..how much fun would you have.
would your memories become so vague
because it wasn't significant.
so stop and think.
the live again
and live
and live.
now i've thought again.
im getting there.
then.
it will disappear.
and i will get it again.


hah.
what is this anyway.
a blog?
-a journal to relieve yourself
or
-an assignment to keep you writing. keep you thinking.
or......
both.
whatever it is.
its helping.
but waht?
are you really still reading this?
cause if you are,
........you are.
and hopefully your getting it.

oh, hey there dude. whats up?

your too...plain.
i hate it when you give me that look like.."you are so screwed up its not even funny"
oh yeah?
ha.
don't worry about me hunny.
i am who i am.
if you don't like it, well. im sorry.
don't try to make it my problem.
its yours deary.

sorry to come off like i did.
it just bugs the peaches out of me!
eh/
there ya go
perfect ie.

golfball and a rope

shy.
what is it?
the result of insecurity?


wow.
great.
how do you over come that?

you tell me shy is good.
"they love it"
but then..when i am
you ask whats wrong?
whats wrong?
well i don't fricken know!
you think i want to be like this?
gosh.
im a fagg it.

oh and btw.
i love you sweet heart.

subtracting the faith.

im so ready for it to be over.
so ready that i think i might have already let it be over.
i've stopped trying.
but did i ever try.
it has come to a point where i've literally stopped.
my mind set: it won't effect me later in life when things really count

i can't decide whether or not thats good.
obviously not good.
but what?
idk.
you tell me.
whats the point of life anyway?
maybe i would want to make something of myself if i knew the point of it..
but i don't..
so..screw it.

hahahahhahaahahha my ...apple!

So she's filling your head with all of these dumb ass asumptions she's made. well, whatever i guess. its all part of growing up.
its crazy how you can think one thing about a person but they think something totally different about you.
whatever.
fuck it.
thats why you need to be strong hearted and forget about others peoples shit.
sometimes its good to be selfish.
things then, don't get to you so bad.
like really.
you're fucking dumb.
hahahhahaha.
stfu.
b.

lack of like.

I don't feel wanted, or welcome. I walk in early morning. The smell gets to me first and i finally realize where i am and what i have to do. drag. I walk down the hall. The first person i see i give a nice warm smile. do they smile back? no..they look at me like a complete idiot.-- has this world forgotten manners? or am i really an idiot? --next person walks by. same thing. what? where am i? third person. finally i think..just maybe a warm gesture even. YES! i polite smirk. whoo. okay this day might not be so bad after all.
you've got to be kidding me.
this place makes me feel lost.
is this really what work is all about?
feeling awkward and confused.
if so, i never want to work again in my life.
are there people in this world that actually like their job?
there's got to be!
this just isn't for me.
the environment here sucks!
i need to get out of here.!
help.

Enough of You

I don't know how to take it. You feel inferior to me for no reason. Just be yourself. Enough with the insecurities. If I can't accept who you truly are then move on. I'm not worth your energy. Just stop trying and be yourself. I cannot say it enough.

People who don't like who you are are not worth your time!!

Why do we try to be someone we are not? To be loved? Accepted?

Find people who fall in love with the you you are. I know I have. A few at least.

You wonder why we never hang out? I never tell you anything?
Its because you are all backstabbers.
everyone is.
so i've confided to only those who i trust.
i've stopped trusting you.
once i told you something.
you laughed at me.
that isn't someone i feel comfortable sharing my memories and stories with.
so bye bye
why do i need you?
stop being angry about it.
you are so annoying.

smigle and dorkux

I can't wait to see what happens next. life is finally exciting and up and down. do i want to commit to the same ol' again? hmm..change is good. i think but routine is better. right? i would love to get those things i long for back and feel good and satisfied! well don't we all..life is a mystery and im not about to figure it out. im just going to play it by ear. we'll see what happens. i trust him. for the first time in a long time im going to trust him. there's a plan.

my dear abby

so theres this girl who means the world to me.

we've been through so much together and stuck by each other through it all.

she makes me feel safe and no one can ever mean as much to me as she does.

i'm constantly amazed by her intellegence and understanding of the world.

i have learned so much from her and grown so much as a person just from talking with her.

we have these brilliant talks about everything and they always make me think about new things and ideas and help me express myself better.

this girl is amazingly gorgeous and the way i see her is more beautiful than anyone i've ever seen in my life and she radiates because her unique amazing personality shines through.

as i spend more and more time with her i realize how lucky i am to have this amazing connection with anyone and i thank god for her everyday.

there are so many more things i could say about her but its getting a bit too corny for me so i'll stop.

but the point is this girl is simply amazing.

guess who that girl is?

yep.

its you :D:D:D:D:D:D:

i fucking love you ariel jordan christensen.

♥ :D:D:D:D

abigail, i love you so much :)

scramble me up inside.

What to do.
how do you feel about it. when you touched me today i wanted to melt in your arms for just that little time we had...............
you're not even anything. yet you are a part of me, except not. change is just change. once you start settling it happens and there's no turning back.
....................................and you had to say something. yeah. you had to make the thought reality for both of us. it could have been just a wonder for me but you made it much more.
now i am back to where i was. well close anyway. thanks.

sweet life.

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just shut up and kiss me!

pahpahpartay.

its all a blur. i slept all day. Cried when i was awake. I don't want to be awake. I think to myself, stop this. just snap out of it ariel. its not even that big of a deal. why am i so depressed. I cannot recall a time where i was this depressed. Why? I didn't think when it came it would be like this, at all. Knowing i have to work tomorrow makes me want to die. I absolutely hate my job. i want to quit more than anything. so why don't i?
I can't wait for the day this all turns around and im happy again.
but until then..i don't know how i will cope. ugh..whats wrong with me?

Old.

You become a baby again.

..until that day comes.
you've been waiting for it. longing for it to come.

every morning i ask." how are you doing? Did you sleep well?"
You respond," well, I'm still here.." and close your eyes again.

I never want to be there.
never..

When you die of old age.
people expect it.

I would much rather die when im fifty then live the rest of my life waiting to die.

Its especially sad when you never see those you've raised.
those that are here because of you.
They are off living their own lives..

yeah, they'll come visit you once in a while.
but when they leave you have a horrible week.
you cry and cry and cry...
they might as well have never of come. (?)
you could have stayed in your normal routine.

Maybe this is just how i see it because of where i am.
there are many elderly people, 92 year olds living on their own..
right?


No...i never want to be there.

Life is nothing.

I have a feeling.
A gut instinct.


I'm sorry.


It could happen to me, easily.
Is it really that big of a deal?

They don't know.

Its only something that you can say is a major burden to over come.
Yet you can never overcome it?
oh, whatever.
Things only hurt you if you let them.

It may come to be that I'm totally wrong.
Assuming--making an ASS of U and ME.
haha.
get it?


you told me that once.

Who are you to think anything?

living life to the fullest.
I think i may have figured out what that is.
Being truly happy and completely passionate about everything in your life.
I've been there before i think.
I'm not myself lately. its always us. could i live the rest of my life being dependent on others. never finding my own self.
doubt it.

though, i know people who i believe are living their lives like that. and they are okay. they are happy.
I don't blame them they haven't seen anything more.
just to think if this would be as much as i know, i might just stay.
but im not going to stay because i know more.
but i will stay until im ready to be independent. ready to find myself again...

Falling..fell.

some songs make me feel like i did back then. They make me feel like flying down the interstate with you. But then it all snaps back into reality when the song ends. All those intense feelings i just had are gone. Or maybe after i watch a really good episode of Grey's' it makes me feel like you. I feel the future. It feels good but I don't want to be living those moments yet. I'm stuck in this time now. I'm not ready for whats coming quite yet. What is even coming?

I think back to those years. We were all in our own little world. Its fun to go back in my head and think about them. Maybe even want all of that back. Wish nothing had changed. Then i think a little deeper and I wouldn't like to go back. I like things how they are now. Except back then i felt like i knew myself. Now i feel like I've destroyed myself in a sense.

seemingly pointless blog

Ever since I turned sixteen my mom has been bugging me about getting a job. I hadn't tried too hard for a while and then finally started to start applying at places. I applied at Good Sam right after my birthday but had never received a call. It had been about seven weeks and then my mom told me about a job opportunity at Subway. I went in and applied and got a call a week later to come in for an interview. After all of that I got the job. The same day Good Sam had called me and asked me if I could come in for an interview. I said yes. I figured having more options was a good idea. Well it turns out I got the Good Sam job as well. Oh no. I'm stuck. now what? Which do I take? Good same pays more and gives me a lot more free time (only working every other weekend), but its a lot harder. Working at subway takes no skill. Blah. Anyway I decided to take the Good Sam job. The stuff I will be doing at Good Sam, I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Ah..hopefully. Ofta. Did I make the wrong decision? It's a challenge. A good challenge and I'm sure I'll get a lot out of it. who knows..

Wankered

The other day I received a phone call from my grandpa. He asked if my sister and I would want to go bowling with him and my grandma next Sunday so we could spend some time. Of course I said yes. Now, that Sunday was today. They picked us up and here we were on our way to the bowling alley. We get there, get our shoes, and I start to set up our names in the computer so we can start. As I was doing that I look over and notice a huge group of adults dancing around and falling over, drunk as hell. At first I didn't really pay much attention to them. But as time progressed they started to get louder and louder. They would catch my attention when I wasn't up to bowl. I would just stare at them humiliate themselves. They reminded me of a bunch of oblivious teenagers, all over each other and spanking each others butts. And at one point this woman jumps up on top of the counter and starts dancing as three men shove dollar bills down her pants. Now, really? How old are we? I honestly felt like I was in a bar or something. It was crazy. I mean here I am, trying to spend some quality time with my grandparents at a bowling alley and there are drunks all over the place! Its so sad. Oh! and there were tons of little kids there with their families for a birthday party. And these "adults" are sitting here totally smashed grabbing each other all over. Gosh! I wanted to punch them! My little sister was so intrigued by them and she is nine!! Think of the example they are setting but they have absolutely no idea! wow. Finally my grandparents said enough is enough and we ended up cutting our bowling time short. Its just too bad that people have to rely on something like alcohol to have a good time.

Cool.

I hate when people (mostly girls) dumb themselves down to be cool. The way they walk, the way they talk, their gestures. All the time I see very intelligent girls acting like complete idiots..to be cool? To get dumb guys? or why? High school is so dumb. It's all about what you wear and how you act. When we were younger, adults would tell us how people will drink and do other stupid things because its "cool". I never actually believed that. I always thought that was how it was ten years ago and that you wouldn't be "cool" if you did those things in high school now. This year, though, I see differently. It almost makes me laugh in a way.. Like everyone is putting on this show for everyone to see and its so unbelievably transparent. Gosh. I can't even think of the right words to describe it. I just can't wait for college, the whole high school thing is overrated. I don't think parties are fun at all. Whenever I go to them I usually just end up sitting there watching people make fools of themselves. YOU LOOK DUMB.
but what? Maybe I'm too much of a pessimist and need to loosen up a little?
ehhhhhh..I don't know.

You Had To Be There

She went over to a friends for a movie night. There were about six or seven people there. All "couples" if you will. They started the movie. Stepbrothers. A good comedy. Perfect. There was plenty of popcorn, candy and pop for everyone. A part comes up in the movie where this guy is getting interviewed, and this guy is just a nut. He's forty years old and still lives with his parents. No job. No money. A kid practically. His parents finally get this grand idea to schedule him an interview, get him out of the house. So he can grow up a little. Now, back to this interview. He's sitting there being his typical self and lets out this super loud, super long "puff". HAHA. (that was for you abbs)............anyways..its about five minutes and he's still going. So all the people watching this are just cracking up.. haha funny yeah yeah. All of a sudden, once the farting stops, she lets out a big one herself. For a minute im sure she was thinking what did i just do!? haha perfect timing there, eh? and she is not normally someone who would do that. She couldn't believe it. She said she didn't even know it was coming. haha oh good times!!!
but anyway..

Colapsed.

There are millions of topics i could write about today. I feel like i can only write one sentence about each though. I haven't felt like a writer lately. Actually i haven't felt like a "schooler" this entire year. School used to be somewhat enjoyable. Do-able. This year i just can't seem to get into it. What is my problem? My grades are up and down all the time. I need to get a handle on things. Its almost like i don't care. Which scares me a little. Break has been absolutely amazing! i don't want it to end. But of course, who does? It just makes me want summer here now!! Ah i cannot wait. Especially since i can drive now! oh, it will be amazin, sally.